A Heavy Issue

We women are so twisted. Most of my life, I have been a normal weight. In my mid-30s I went on anti-depressants for anxiety over my impending divorce and a life long battle with low level depression. I gained 30 pounds in 2 years and a grand total of 55 pounds in 5 years. After having my youngest I had lost 25 pounds.
In my mind I am the normal weight person I was for 35 years. I get shocked when I look in the mirror and see fat and think that surely I must have some terrible charater flaw to look this way. I am eating well: lots of veggies, lots of fiber and water, low in refined sugar and processed foods. I take lots of vitamins, exercise 3 times a week and honestly feel better than I have on 10 years. I wear a size 12 or 14 pants which by the rate they sell out at the store is about average. I wear much bigger on top as I am well endowed and still nursing but am not shopping in the "women's sizes".
So why do I feel so guilty? Like I am letting everybody down. Those evil voices inside tell me that I am a bad person that deserves bad things to happen to them because I am overweight. I keep thinking that if I was thin I would deserve to be loved and have a happy life. Yet my rational mind knows that these are huge lies. My husband loves me passionately and wouldn't love me more or be more romantic towards me if I was thinner. I also know that during the many years I was thin I still thought was wasn't thin enough or was unhappy about other aspects of my appearance.
Why can't I seem to overcome this, especially since I see that I am passing this on to my oldest daughter. I will say that my mother worries about her weight although not obsessively. She has made subtle comments about my weight since I was a teen. I don't think she even knows she does it. Yet this is no excuse . I am an adult and not a prisoner of my upbringing. So why the fixation with my weight? I would like to think I am not so controlled by cultural expectations that I am influenced by that.
This is why I say women are so twisted. It is not just me that fights this battle. People are making millions of dollars selling diet programs because we are so obsessed with our weight. I read in other blogs about other women determinedly trying to beomce a "normal" weight. I wish I could rebel and shout how in other times and places no one expected a 40 year old mother of four to weigh what a 20 year old does. That a little extra weight was once a sign of health and prosperity. That my health is great, my marriage is exceptional, I am living a full life and my weight is not who I am. Instead, I agonize over the number on the scale and secretly visit diet plan web sites, and watch documentaries on weight loss. I am woman, hear me whimper?